New Year's Day
by The Goliath Beetle
Summary: Kakashi has a ritual. He just can't seem to help it. -New Year's fic, mentions of KakaRin, oneshot-


New Year's Day

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><p><strong>AN: My long overdue New Year's fic. The plot bunny attacked me last night.**

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><p><em>11.59 PM<em>.

Kakashi has a ritual. He just can't seem to help it. He's been doing it for years now, and even when he tried to stop himself, it never quite worked. Then again, this isn't a bad habit. Perhaps sensei would even approve of it. Or perhaps he'd tell Kakashi to lighten up a little. But this isn't something that causes him pain. In fact, he likes doing this. It feels cleansing. It makes him feel good.

_12.00 AM. _

From midnight to ten minutes after, it's the time of Wolf. The lone creature that howls at the moon. The young ANBU Captain with his single red eye and cold, merciless disposition. It's been years since Kakashi quit the ANBU but he still sits on an anonymous tree on the outskirts of the village and stares at that luminous silver orb hanging like a pendulum in the sky.

Even from this distance, he can hear the music from the parties clearly. Practically the entire village is celebrating, and why wouldn't they? Kakashi himself has been invited to Gai's New Year celebration and he'll be damned if he's going to miss it.

Still, he must begin the new year by sitting on a tree and staring at the sky. His silhouette in the darkness looks strangely like a spectral hound. Wolf. ANBU Captain Wolf.

_12.10 AM _

It's time to go now. His ten minutes are up, and Gai's party awaits. He's got a reputation for being late, and he's got a reputation for coming to New Years's parties after midnight. So when he reaches his rival's home fifteen minutes later, he isn't surprised to find the festivities in full swing.

Gai's house is larger than the normal shinobi apartment. Kakashi spots the food and drinks counter and heads straight for it, slinking past the many drunk people in the room. He can see a very inebriated Gai trying to talk to Shizune and almost smirks.

Genma, Raidou, Yamato, Izumo, Kotetsu…they're all completely sloshed and laughing about something only a completely sloshed person would laugh about. Kakashi spots a lot of couples hold up in corners, making out.

The only person he doesn't see is Kurenai. But then, she was a single mother looking after Asuma's child. Even if she is in celebratory spirit—and Kakashi seriously doubted she was, for she hadn't been very cheerful since Asuma's death—she'd probably be too tired to stay out all night. Kakashi has heard that babies are a handful.

He has only a few helpings of sake and balances it well with the vast array of food. He doesn't want to begin his New Year's Morning with a hangover. He honestly can't see the appeal.

Kakashi concentrates on making conversation with his colleagues, laughing at their jokes and participating in the games. Yuugao comes up to him. He remembers her from the ANBU. They chat, they smile, and before long, they're in a corner themselves, their hands all over each other.

Both of them know it means nothing. This is nothing more than a variation of the ANBU days. Kakashi remembers sleeping with many of his female teammates, knowing that it would not lead to anything more. It was simply a way of expression, and right now, it was just a way of celebrating the New Year.

At about 2.00 AM, she leaves. Kakashi sighs and simply gets back to the party. Gai challenges him to a round of shots. He declines. Gai challenges him again. Kakashi accepts and then loses. Half an hour later, he says goodnight and goes home.

_2.45 AM_.

He's very particularly about having a shower. The water is nice and hot, and Kakashi wastes no time in letting it wash over his body. In the safety of his bathroom, he inspects his body, his lone black eye running over his scars.

When he's finally done with the shower, he steps out, dries and changes his clothes and picks up a paper bag from the dining table.

_3.20 AM_.

Kakashi is right on schedule, the comfortable weight of the paper bag in his hands. The streets are paved with party-goers and drunks. Kakashi wonders how bad their hangovers are going to be. Even he himself had consumed more alcohol than he would have liked.

_3.30 AM_.

He begins in the shinobi graveyard. It's quiet, of course. But a nice kind of silence. A celebratory silence.

He makes his way past the many graves. He stops at Shukaku's. He kneels before it and patiently takes out a candle and a lighter from his paper bag.

Kakashi places the lit candle on the headstone, pats it slightly and says, "Your son is making everyone proud."

Then he moves to Inoichi's headstone and repeats the process. When the candle burns brightly against the night, he says, "And Ino has turned into a fine shinobi."

He walks over to other graves. Friends, colleagues, people he had once known. Lighting candles over their graves, he tells them things in earnest. Sometimes, he just stands before them silently before moving on.

He stops before Asuma's grave, lights a candle and says, "I'm just glad your kid looks like her mother and not you." Had Asuma been alive, the Sarutobi would have laughed and called Kakashi a jackass.

"Yes," Kakashi says to the grave. "I know I'm a jackass."

He moves on. In the distance, he sees a familiar headstone. He feels his heart twist a little. But today is the start of a new year. He will not let his pain overwhelm the spirit of this peaceful moment.

He lights a candle for Rin. Out of everybody, she would probably have been the only person who would have understood the meaning of this ritual. Even Kakashi himself doesn't quite know why he did this. It just makes him feel good. That's all.

To Rin, he says: "I love you. I miss you."

They're the same words all the time. He never says anything else. But those two sentences are exactly what he needs to tell her. Every time. He just wants her to know that. If Kakashi were to settle down, he would have done it with her. But, well…

_4.00 AM._

When Kakashi leaves the shinobi cemetery, about twenty tiny candles are burning brightly into the night.

Next, he makes his way to the memorial stone. There is a special candle he buys just for this place. It's large, cylindrical and orange. He thinks that maybe Obito would appreciate the colour. He ignites the wick and places it before the edifice.

Silently, he thinks about Minato sensei and Kushina-sama. The location of their graves was kept a secret for security reasons. This memorial stone is the only place Kakashi can pay homage to them. Master Jiraya's body was never recovered so even he didn't have a proper place to rest. Kakashi smiles at the Toad Sage's engraved tribute and remembers his favourite Icha Icha book. He even looks at Rin's name.

Finally, he traces the words _Obito Uchiha _on the memorial stone.

"Just so you know," Kakashi says softly, "Despite all the pain and death you've caused everyone, I don't blame you. I understand that you, Obito, are different from Tobi. I don't know who Tobi was, because he could not have been you. Obito and Tobi were never the same person."

_4.15 AM. _

Finally, there is another place he must go. It is a short walk away from the graveyard and the memorial stone. An old estate, now destitute and abandoned.

The garden looks more like a jungle and the gloomy house sounds like forgotten laughter and whispering ghosts. It's dusty, and Kakashi doesn't feel entirely comfortable being here.

Nevertheless, it is part of his ritual and doing this makes him happy.

In the courtyard, there are two gravestones. Kakashi never knew why his father's will stated that he was to be buried in the old house. Perhaps so that he could be close to his wife, even in death.

The first gravestone is his mother's. He never knew her. She died at childbirth. But he thinks that maybe he likes her. He's sure that had they been able to get to know each other, Kakashi would have loved her.

So he places a candle before her grave and says, "Thank you for everything you've done for me."

Then he goes to his father's headstone, lights a candle and says, "I am proud of you."

Kakashi gets up, crushes the now-empty paper bag, and pockets it. Then, he dusts his hands and exits the old estate, feeling very good.

_4.45 AM. _

Kakashi stops just before he enters the main parts of the village. He looks at the setting moon and smiles to himself. "Well," he says to no-one in particular, "Happy New Year."

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><p><strong>AN: What do you think? Please review! :) **


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